Posts Tagged ‘death’

When bad things happen to good blogs

March 25, 2009

Yes, the blog has been suffering. If The Sugar Pea Express were a Tamagotchi, it would have long since been buried in some digital pet cemetery (one hopefully not built on the site of an ancient Indian digital burial ground, causing the Tamagotchi to come back with a taste for digital blood).

Of course, I’ve never actually played with a Tamagotchi. It was one of those fads that passed me by in the late 1990s while I was mistakenly using my time to learn Swedish, be married, and deliver newspapers at four in the morning with a young Norwegian man. He, in turn, mistakenly used his time by telling me all about his church, which from what I could make out from his Norwegian had something to do with Moses.

Not that I am able to take care of living things either – aside from my son. But he’s a bit more persistent than a Tamagotchi, I would imagine. Unless Tamagotchis are now being programmed to kneel beside you on the bed and shout in your ear, “Get up, pappa!” I would totally buy one of those, because my poor son with his one mouth is only able to shout in one of my ears at a time.

Plants, on the other hand, have no place in my home. My plants wonder not whether there is a God, but why he has forsaken them. I leave them for months to die slow, dry deaths until one day I do hear their prayers, then immediately cut off all their vital parts and drown them in water. My plants mistakenly believe they are in the Book of Job, where suffering is eventually rewarded with 140 years of life. In actual fact, they are smack in the middle of Kübler-Ross’s On Death and Dying.

The Sugar Pea Express being both a train and a blog, I’m not quite sure how I would kill it. In the made-for-TV version of this blog, they would undoubtedly load it with explosives then send it full-steam ahead down Terror Canyon, where it would jump the curve at Dead Man’s Gulch and explode spectacularly in mid-air. Since this is the low-budget blog version, I would instead kill it by filling it with recipes for low-fat cheesecake.


I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue

October 2, 2008

Just a moment ago I read online that “10 grams of caffeine accumulated suddenly in a human body would result in death.” How about that. I really like the idea that caffeine could be “accumulated suddenly” in my body. Like my body would suddenly decide to start hoarding caffeine, or better, that I would bump into a white, powdery wall made entirely of caffeine, and a sharp edge of it – just ten grams – would penetrate my stomach lining thus killing me. It would be a classic CSI episode – death by the caffeine wall. The CSI experts would go through their database of all the caffeine walls in the Las Vegas area until they found one that had been particularly poorly constructed, with sharp, stomach-piercing edges.

So, yes, I am trying to get off caffeine. Though I am having very little luck with it, as the one cup of coffee and half a can of Red Bull in my unforensically-examined stomach indicate. I think next week will be the right week for quitting caffeine. This week I need my little white friend, in wall form or not.