When bad things happen to good blogs

Yes, the blog has been suffering. If The Sugar Pea Express were a Tamagotchi, it would have long since been buried in some digital pet cemetery (one hopefully not built on the site of an ancient Indian digital burial ground, causing the Tamagotchi to come back with a taste for digital blood).

Of course, I’ve never actually played with a Tamagotchi. It was one of those fads that passed me by in the late 1990s while I was mistakenly using my time to learn Swedish, be married, and deliver newspapers at four in the morning with a young Norwegian man. He, in turn, mistakenly used his time by telling me all about his church, which from what I could make out from his Norwegian had something to do with Moses.

Not that I am able to take care of living things either – aside from my son. But he’s a bit more persistent than a Tamagotchi, I would imagine. Unless Tamagotchis are now being programmed to kneel beside you on the bed and shout in your ear, “Get up, pappa!” I would totally buy one of those, because my poor son with his one mouth is only able to shout in one of my ears at a time.

Plants, on the other hand, have no place in my home. My plants wonder not whether there is a God, but why he has forsaken them. I leave them for months to die slow, dry deaths until one day I do hear their prayers, then immediately cut off all their vital parts and drown them in water. My plants mistakenly believe they are in the Book of Job, where suffering is eventually rewarded with 140 years of life. In actual fact, they are smack in the middle of Kübler-Ross’s On Death and Dying.

The Sugar Pea Express being both a train and a blog, I’m not quite sure how I would kill it. In the made-for-TV version of this blog, they would undoubtedly load it with explosives then send it full-steam ahead down Terror Canyon, where it would jump the curve at Dead Man’s Gulch and explode spectacularly in mid-air. Since this is the low-budget blog version, I would instead kill it by filling it with recipes for low-fat cheesecake.

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4 Responses to “When bad things happen to good blogs”

  1. Davis Says:

    Tamagotchi — there’s a blast from the past. Thanks for the memory

  2. helikeiju Says:

    I never had a Tamagotchi either – and had to throw out two wilting/dead orchids just the other day. I am making up for both facts by ‘watering’ virtual plants and trying to attract virtual wildlife with virtual food in the ‘My fairy’ application on facebook…

  3. megan Says:

    I wanted a Tamagotchi when they came out. I think I asked my parents for one, but they said that if I was going to hold a life in my hands, it should be a real life and not an electronic life. I got a hamster instead. It proved to be more resilient than most of my friends’ Tamagotchis.

    Again, glad to see you’re not dead like an abandoned Tamagotchi.

  4. dollface Says:

    Even if you decide to act on the idea to kill this blog, your cheesecake recipes will not doubt be filled with the resignation to humor that you have given your previous posts.

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