3 desserts in 3 minutes with 3 ingredients

People,  if you are a human being like me and enjoy things that taste fatty and sweet, then you are in for a special treat today. Do you remember in my first entry to this blog, how I said this blog would be diminishing ten percent of the world’s problems? And then I went on and proved that, first by demonstrating how the Matrix sequels could have been made not to suck, and then by suggesting an invention that teaches children how to give their parents back massages? Well I have something more for you today. Something that builds on my concept of toast-cake.

And I promise that was the last internal link you will see.

So in my toast-cake entry, I suggested that cake is really made up of three key ingredients: flour, butter and sugar. This past week – due to a lack of funds at The Sugar Pea Express (I should not have hired that Ecuadorian CFO through Elance) – I have been experimenting with and building on this concept, and have come up with three fantastic, low-budget, easy-to-make desserts. Here they are:

Non-Chocolate Balls
In Sweden they make a popular dessert called chokladbollar, which is basically ground oatmeal mixed with butter, vanilla, cocoa, and some other things, rolled into balls then rolled in large granules of sugar. They’re good. In my version, melt about two tablespoons of butter in the microwave, then add about three cups of instant oats to this with about one or two tablespoons of powdered sugar. Mix it up. Eat it. What is that yummy thing in your mouth? Non-chocolate balls, that’s what. And don’t make them into balls, please, then you just lose fatty-sweet-into-mouth (FSIM) time .

Learn as you go! Did you notice what I did there, people? I took the two basic ingredients humans need to stay alive and enjoy themselves, fatty and sweet, and mixed them with texture, texture being in this case the oats. What The Sugar Pea Express learned this week, building on years of previous experiences, is that fatty and sweet in themselves can be gross, but add some kind of binding ingredient (texture) and you have mouth magic.

Almost Frosted Hardbread
This recipe is much easier and faster to make, so if you really want to reduce your FSIM time, go with this one. This one was based on the revelation that frosting – a wonderful invention – is really just water, butter and powdered sugar. But what if you don’t have time to mix all that together? Here’s what you do. You take a piece of hardbread (or crispbread or a cracker or whatever, some kind of texture, people), and you dip that in some spreadable butter or margarine. Just the corner will do. Then you dip that into an opened box or bag of powdered sugar, and then you put it in your mouth and chew it. Your mouth will be asking at this point, “How did all this goodness get in here so quickly?” But you will know the answer. Tell your mouth to quit talking and keep chewing.

Learn as you go! Almost Frosted Hardbread is probably the least socially acceptable dessert I have in this list, so save it for yourself. Don’t waste it on guests who have been hardwired by society to think that food should involve more than three ingredients and not require repeated butter-bag-mouth dipping.

Honey Snowcone
Yes, you’ve been saying, this is fine and truly amazing, but what about the children? What do I feed them when I am not working on increasing the amount of fatty-sweet things in my mouth? This is what you do. You get out your blender, and you put about eight ice cubes in there. Then you squirt honey on top of that. Then on top of that you add about a tablespoon of powdered sugar (what a sweet giver of life it is), then mix it all up. Have your child put it in their mouth. Watch as your child turns into Winnie the Pooh right in front of your eyes.

That’s it, people! Enjoy these recipes. Spread them around. Did you just feel the world getting about ten percent better? I sure did.


Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

6 Responses to “3 desserts in 3 minutes with 3 ingredients”

  1. megan Says:

    Oh my George, dude… This may be one of the best posts you’ve written. I couldn’t stop laughing, but I feel like I learned something, and that makes me feel good about me.

    I am all about simple desserts. I’ve had buttered crackers before, but it never occurred to me to add sugar. Next time I buy crackers I am totally trying this. Ditto for the honey-cone. But one of my favorites is something similar to your non-chocolate balls (ha!), except instead of powdered sugar you use brown sugar, and you add peanut butter. Oatmeal, brown sugar, butter and peanut butter all mushed up: that’s some good noms, there.

  2. Sam - the Shrink Says:

    Last week I had the pleasure of enjoying two of these wonderful dishes made on location. The two dishes served:
    “bread with cheese microwaved for a full 5 minutes topped with a dash of mustard and ketchup”
    and the now famous “Non-Chocolate Balls.” It is true that forming the fatty mass into balls is a completely unnecessary and time consuming step. May I suggest a more correct name? “Non-Chocolate non-balls”. Yummy!

    – Sam

  3. megan Says:

    Since they’re non-chocolate, and they’re non-balls (ha! Grow up, Megan…), perhaps you should call them something else, like Buttery-Oatmeal-Sugar Lumps, or BOSL.

    Or you could call them Yum Lumps.

    Drea: You can send some cake my way, too. 🙂

  4. megan Says:

    You know, I wasn’t happy with that name the minute I submitted that comment. What about Yum Noms? That sounds just a little better…

  5. biz319 Says:

    I love the honey snowcone the best!

  6. Claire Says:

    You know what is also good? peanut butter and chocolate chips melted together in the microwave then stir in some rice crispies. SOOO GOODDD

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: