Archive for January, 2009

My son as Freddie Mercury

January 31, 2009

Now, I’m not much for posting photos in my blog (mostly because I believe every photo posted of me online sucks away a small portion of my soul that I can only regain by eating a small animal), but Megan at The Melodic Insomniac has asked twice now for photos of my son dressed as Freddie Mercury. As all of us who were raised with manners know, if someone asks twice to see photos of your child dressed as an 80s rockstar, it’s rude not to comply. And we also know that children, soulwise, are quite well stocked. So Megan, I give you not one but a whole troubleload of Freddie Mercury photos. Enjoy! (And also note how the kitchen photos were cleverly shot so as not to reveal the amount of unwashed dishes on the counter and stove…)

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The unbearable tiredness of being

January 28, 2009

I’ve been sitting here trying to have an interesting thought now for about 30 minutes. The trouble is that I am very tired, like Superman cradling kryptonite at the bottom of a swimming pool tired, and this prohibits interesting thoughts. Had Superman been able to talk when at the bottom of that pool he would have bored you to death. You would have been looking at your watch, wondering how much more time you would need to sit beside him down there before you could leave without seeming rude.

The Stockholm suburbs aren’t helping either – just gray sky, pine trees and snow. If instead I looked out my window and saw a monkey running with a watermelon over his head, chased by a barking dog, now that would be something. I could tell you where the monkey ran to, what kind of dog it was, and why it is so unfair that we would all assume the monkey stole the watermelon, instead of considering whether the dog wasn’t trying to steal it from the monkey.

Normally I would blame this kind of tiredness on my brain, but this time I believe the problem is vascular, as in “related to a system of channels for the conveyance of a body fluid.” Yes, I’m going to go with fluid imbalace on this one. Tonight I will sleep while sitting up in bed, as people used to, and tomorrow the doctor can come by and bleed me. After that I will definitely see monkeys running with watermelons, and what a relief it will be.

3 desserts in 3 minutes with 3 ingredients

January 25, 2009

People,  if you are a human being like me and enjoy things that taste fatty and sweet, then you are in for a special treat today. Do you remember in my first entry to this blog, how I said this blog would be diminishing ten percent of the world’s problems? And then I went on and proved that, first by demonstrating how the Matrix sequels could have been made not to suck, and then by suggesting an invention that teaches children how to give their parents back massages? Well I have something more for you today. Something that builds on my concept of toast-cake.

And I promise that was the last internal link you will see.

So in my toast-cake entry, I suggested that cake is really made up of three key ingredients: flour, butter and sugar. This past week – due to a lack of funds at The Sugar Pea Express (I should not have hired that Ecuadorian CFO through Elance) – I have been experimenting with and building on this concept, and have come up with three fantastic, low-budget, easy-to-make desserts. Here they are:

Non-Chocolate Balls
In Sweden they make a popular dessert called chokladbollar, which is basically ground oatmeal mixed with butter, vanilla, cocoa, and some other things, rolled into balls then rolled in large granules of sugar. They’re good. In my version, melt about two tablespoons of butter in the microwave, then add about three cups of instant oats to this with about one or two tablespoons of powdered sugar. Mix it up. Eat it. What is that yummy thing in your mouth? Non-chocolate balls, that’s what. And don’t make them into balls, please, then you just lose fatty-sweet-into-mouth (FSIM) time .

Learn as you go! Did you notice what I did there, people? I took the two basic ingredients humans need to stay alive and enjoy themselves, fatty and sweet, and mixed them with texture, texture being in this case the oats. What The Sugar Pea Express learned this week, building on years of previous experiences, is that fatty and sweet in themselves can be gross, but add some kind of binding ingredient (texture) and you have mouth magic.

Almost Frosted Hardbread
This recipe is much easier and faster to make, so if you really want to reduce your FSIM time, go with this one. This one was based on the revelation that frosting – a wonderful invention – is really just water, butter and powdered sugar. But what if you don’t have time to mix all that together? Here’s what you do. You take a piece of hardbread (or crispbread or a cracker or whatever, some kind of texture, people), and you dip that in some spreadable butter or margarine. Just the corner will do. Then you dip that into an opened box or bag of powdered sugar, and then you put it in your mouth and chew it. Your mouth will be asking at this point, “How did all this goodness get in here so quickly?” But you will know the answer. Tell your mouth to quit talking and keep chewing.

Learn as you go! Almost Frosted Hardbread is probably the least socially acceptable dessert I have in this list, so save it for yourself. Don’t waste it on guests who have been hardwired by society to think that food should involve more than three ingredients and not require repeated butter-bag-mouth dipping.

Honey Snowcone
Yes, you’ve been saying, this is fine and truly amazing, but what about the children? What do I feed them when I am not working on increasing the amount of fatty-sweet things in my mouth? This is what you do. You get out your blender, and you put about eight ice cubes in there. Then you squirt honey on top of that. Then on top of that you add about a tablespoon of powdered sugar (what a sweet giver of life it is), then mix it all up. Have your child put it in their mouth. Watch as your child turns into Winnie the Pooh right in front of your eyes.

That’s it, people! Enjoy these recipes. Spread them around. Did you just feel the world getting about ten percent better? I sure did.