The future of parenting

People, you know I care about you and want the best for you. With this in mind, I am giving you my idea for a new invention that I just thought of while having a pillow fight with my son in bed.

Let me walk you through it. What do we know about small children? They enjoy hitting their parents and jumping on their backs. We know this. We also know that they like to sit on their parents’ backs for horsey rides. Now, what do parents like? They like back massages, don’t they? They do.

So, at first I was thinking – as my son jumped up and down on me and jammed his knee in between my vital organs – “We should totally teach children how to give those back-walking massages.” Think of those small, soft feet walking up and down your back. Heaven, right? But then the problem is this: small children don’t really care about giving their parents pleasure. I know this because my son often laughs hysterically when I hurt myself.

My invention, therefore, harnesses the child’s desire to both sit on their parents’ backs and inflect harm on them. The invention would be a kind of Playschool backpack for parents, full of all kinds of rollers, knobs and buttons, and complete with a little seat near the parent’s bottom for the child. With the parent on their stomach, the child sits on the seat and rolls the rollers, twists the knobs, and presses the buttons – all of which are designed to massage the parent’s back.

The parent, for their part, enjoys the massage while making noises suggesting they are in great pain, thus stimulating the child to continue playing with the toy. It is a total win-win, aside from teaching our children to be sadists. Though I believe this is what they call an “acceptable loss.”


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6 Responses to “The future of parenting”

  1. mollyschoemann Says:

    That is a great idea!!! Actually, my parents did used to make me walk on their backs with my hard little feet when I was around five or six. I recall that they used to make all sorts of ‘ow that hurts’ noises, which was indeed encouraging to me. It probably felt pretty good to them.

  2. megan Says:

    Excellent idea. Now all I need is a toddler…

  3. poetryforlife Says:

    Yeah, isn’t it odd how America is practically contagious? I mean, some of the things are great, but seriously, Swedes in general will take ANY reason to trow a party! 🙂

  4. Desiree Says:

    Hilarious!! And brilliant. You’re absolutely right about children finding humor in their parents pain. Why? Are they really little sadists?! Who knows!

    But thanks for making me laugh. 🙂

    And thanks for stopping by to comment on my Thursday Thirteen post.

  5. Susan Says:

    acceptable loss, indeed. But here again, Chad is an example of our sympatico-ness.

    When my daughter was younger I would pay her a dime a minute to walk on Mommy’s back. Kids are suckers for little dimes that aren’t worth squat.

    Of course as she got older, she demanded quarters. I hemmed and hawed about it, acting as if she were asking for the stars, then handed of the coin because let’s face it…I’d have paid much, much more….

    She just didn’t need to know that.

    Now this machine….what if we don’t ahve small children anymore? Then what?

  6. 3 desserts in 3 minutes with 3 ingredients « The Sugar Pea Express Says:

    […] been made not to suck, and then by suggesting an invention that teaches children how to give their parents back massages? Well I have something more for you today. Something that builds on my concept of […]

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